Homeschool, Life
Comment 1

Absence of Structure

(Please Note: All dirty words in the post are in italics! This post is not for the fainthearted and unorganized! If you’re a wandering soul, like me, please read with wine and chocolate at hand.)

When I started this blog in January of this year I made a plan, 90 days of pure bloggy structure! I figured that if I blogged 5 days a week I could share my loot and my creative projects. The end goal was–and is–to find my creative self again. Running a creative business for over 8 years really sapped all my creativity.

Since I started my blog in 2006, blogging has become a business for a lot of folks, and all businesses need a good foundation, right? Well… More on that below!! Over the years people started telling us that we all needed a blog post schedule. OMG, there’s even app’s for that. WTH? For me blogging is all about expressing myself, letting my readers know what’s on my mind today and not what I found most appropriate for that day a few months ago.

Trust me, I hear myself being judgy and hypocritical. I have always used my blogs to sell my loot and fabrics, so I’m not saying that earning money through blogging is wrong–I’d never say that. Blogging takes more time than it should, and people deserve every dime for their time. So for me structured blogging is weird and here’s why…

I don’t have the internal framework to ALWAYS do things in a methodical and organized manner. I have my moments of extreme organization: when I write a book I have it madly together! There are times when the stakes are too high and you just gotta have your stuff together!

Where I have failed miserably is with the internal structure of the Modern June paperwork. DANG IT!! I hate doing the books!! HATE! HATE! HATE! I’ve done enough to stay legit, but I don’t really know what the hell I’m doing! There I said it!

So, fast forward to why I’m really writing this. Why I’ve been absent from my blog doesn’t have to do with my rant about blog schedules, that’s just the guilt of not seeing it through coming out. I sat down here today to explain where I’ve been and why I haven’t been blogging. I’m finally GETTING MY $!^# TOGETHER! Yep, I’m going in to the books and adding in the structural framework that’s been missing from Modern June.

Why now when I’ve all but closed down? Well… Mr. Modern June was laid off last month and it’s time to re-evaluate MJ, just in case I need to get back to into high gear. It’s time to see what’s worth making and what isn’t, both financially and managerially. It’s time to go back and look at what I really earned, to see if I should stick with retail or get back into wholesale. Even if Mr. MJ gets a job tomorrow (fingers crossed) I still need to finish this hideous job of analyzing the past. I need to figure out what was good and and what didn’t work, so when my kids (14 and 17) leave the nest I can start fresh with full knowledge of the lessons that I’ve learned, and hopefully teach them a little about being successful.

Meanwhile, Mr. Modern June is homeschooling the kids and putting in place some of the organization and the dreaded strucutre that I’m not prone to. That’s a whole other blog post… For now, let me just say he’s finding it equally difficult to organize what happens in that part of our life. I tried not to gloat when he asked me if homeschooling is always so “mushy” (insert evil laughter)!

There’s a huge emotional toll to all of this work and soul searching, and I’m trying really hard not be completely depressed by it all. At my core I am a hard working, wondering, unstructured soul. As a young woman I was a freelance costumer and I went from one movie set and costume shop to the next in rapid succession. Because of this my mother called me a transient–now keep in mind that she worked at the same job for 35 years. I never like working at one theatre for a full season. I didn’t like full-time work, being with the same people and doing the same job day after day just wasn’t my scene. I like the rush of getting a job done well so I could move on to the next project. Because I’m am who I am, I’m seen as wishy-washy and unstructured, even when I’ve proved 100 times that I get my $!^# done. Because I don’t fit into the typical mold, I feel like a complete failure when I can’t commit to a plan for more than a few days or weeks.

Now the hardest challenge to going back into my recent company past to assess my business, is what I call Drama Ghosts, or Ghosts of Drama’s Past. Paperwork and time sheets are like journals. As I’m going through the piles of paper I am flooded with memories. Some of this is fun, like finding the receipt for a Junie Brunch that I hosted for my workers. Then there’s the job of tallying up all the extra shipping fees for incorrect orders (that one really killed me!!!). Time sheet’s can make me giggle or totally stress out, as I remember the long list of people that have sewn for me over the years. Reviewing the past is a hard job, and I’ve ended many days in a deep funk and totally uninspired.

Late last week Mr. Modern June realized that he wasn’t actually unemployed, that he had become an “at home homeschool dad” that just happened to be looking for another job. So cute and so true. As I moped my way through the weekend, it dawned on me too that I have a new job as well. Now, it’s a totally sucky job, but it’s one that needs doing. So, this morning I got up and got into real clothes instead of a pair of clean PJ’s. I dressed to shoes as Fly Lady suggests. Now I’m off to clean up my home studio and create a pretty place to work as Spring starts. Hopefully, all of this will cheer me up and help my attitude immensely. For now I’m looking forward to when all these tedious tasks are figured out and filed away I can get back to finding my creative self again!


1 Comment

  1. Thelma Wickwere says

    Thank you for sharing this post. In my secretarial job, I too was judged. For having a “messy desk” (oh, how can you find anything?!), even though I got my projects done on task and on time and I always know where everything is. It looked messy, but was actually very structured — for ME, not for anyone else. So I really can identify with you here. Plus, it’s really cool that Mr. MJ had an epiphany about his role at home; how we label and identify things does make a difference in how we feel about things. So, again, Thank You for putting your experiences to e-paper and sharing. You are a treasure.


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